This Xena Must Die
by Tricia Stewart (written 11/04/00)
(To the tune of "This Jesus Must Die" from the musical Jesus Christ Superstar)
Music and original lyrics © 1970 by Andrew Lloyd Webber & Tim Rice
[XENA]Evil Rob T. the writers wait for you
The characters and fans are here for you
[ROB TAPERT]
Ah gentle friends, you know why we are here
We've one year left and quite a problem here
[FANS]
Give Gabby back her staff
Restore Xena's dark past
Her quest to cleanse her sins
And Joxer's goofy grins!
[EVE]
Listen to that howling horde of Bacchae in the street
Jump 25 years in time and the whole fandom's on its feet
[WRITERS]
This is dangerous
[FANS]
Joxer's not really dead!
[WRITERS]
Rob is dangerous
[FANS]
The Last Four Episodes a nightmare in our head!
[GABRIELLE]
This new timeline screwed up everything! We've lost our fan support!
[XENA]
The Pseudo-Christianity Arc I think we must abort!
[WRITERS]
This is dangerous
[FANS]
Where's the show that WE know?!
[WRITERS]
Rob is dangerous
[GABRIELLE]
All Xena's friends will now be far too old!
[ARES]
No more Greek Gods and Eve is good as gold?!
[ROB TAPERT]
Yes and - we need to increase subtext to keep ratings!
[XENA]
What then to do about Joxer's loose endings?
His love of Gabby kept fans tuning in
[GABRIELLE (pouting)]
No smoochies, no cuddles, no fighting, no nothing!
[ROB TAPERT]
We'll put you with Virgil and they'll think it's him!
[XENA (aside to Gabby)]
We dare not leave him to his own devices
His half-witted plans are now out of control!
[GABRIELLE]
But how can we stop him?
[ARES]
His dementia increases
[VIRGIL]
By leaps every minute
[JOXER'S GHOST]
He killed me! The Troll!
[ROB TAPERT]
I see legions uprising
The crowd turn against us for betraying the fans
I see the Joxer Rebellion! Our elimination because of one man
Blood and destruction because of one man
[WRITERS]
Because, because, because of one man
[ROB TAPERT]
Our elimination because of one man
[WRITERS (pointing to Rob behind his back)]
Because, because, because of one, 'cause of one, 'cause of one, man
[EVE]
What then to do about this Joxermania?
[XENA]
How can we please them with The Mighty One dead?
[GABRIELLE]
Where do we start when a trio's now duo?
[XENA (reading script)]
Replace him with Eve?! Ha! You're out of your head!
[ROB TAPERT]
Fools! You have no perception!
The star's contracted salaries are frighteningly high
We must end this completely
So like Herc before her, Xena's show must die
For the sake of the fandom this Xena must die
[WRITERS]
Must die, must die, Xena's show must die
[ROB TAPERT]
So like Joxer before her, this Xena must die
[WRITERS]
Must die, must die, this Xena must, Xena must, Xena must die
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